On Friday, The Spruce Tip Investment Group received shareholder approval to acquire the satirical
news publication The Goldstream Courant in a cash-and-stock deal worth roughly $1.8 billion. The
move will create an Alaskan news empire with assets of roughly two websites, one and a half social
media accounts, and three broken 1986 Ski-Doo Tundra snowmachines.
While the Courant is based near Fairbanks and focuses primarily on local issues, The Spruce Tip is
omnipresent, omnipotent, and focuses on Alaskan statewide issues.
Courant editor-in-chief Kevin Brietenbach resigned to the merger, which seemed to have caught him by
surprise. “We’re looking forward to being part of The Spruce Tip family of publications,” he said in an
interview while swigging a Yoo-Hoo from a refrigerator at the back of the Goldstream General Store
after a five hundred mile fat bike race. “We’ve worked hard to create a voice of our own, but in the end
we just couldn’t compete with The Spruce Tip’s white-hot forge of creativity. I hope they’ll let me keep
my old cubicle.”
The Spruce Tip managing editor Alice Rogoff expressed excitement for her growing media empire.
“We’re going to pump this baby up,” she said. “We’re going to have Perrier in the fridge gravlax on the
break room table, ink stains on our fingertips, and typewriters-a-clackin’ 24/7. Let’s get the truth out!”
Fellow Alaskan independent journalists had mixed reactions to the news. Celebrated Alaska journalist
Craig Medred said of the merger, “The Spruce Tip is exactly what Alaska deserves. A watered-down
sluice of clickbait drivel to swipe past. They just don’t make ‘em like they used to.”
Alaska's hardest hitting political reporter Jeff Landfield wrote, “With The Spruce Tip/Goldstream
Courant merger, Alaska has an answer to the question: what would happen if some Spenard shyster
tried to copy my own satirical publication, The Landfill? Super-loose.”
Long-time journalist Dermot Cole wrote, “The Spruce Tip once sent me an email that ended up in my
spam folder, for which I am grateful.”
As for a new title for the merged publications, “The Spruce Tip Courant” has been suggested by one
chef as an excellent flavor of jelly.
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