Skip to main content

White House tells Alaskans they're no longer allowed to say "The Lower 48"

 




Read the full executive order here. Map prints available from Williwaw Publishing.

A new executive order from the White House aims to curtail use of the term “Lower 48,” and Alaskans
who continue to use the term that the White House calls “insulting,” are threatened with confiscation
of personal firearms among other punishments.

According to the executive order, Alaskans will now be required to refer to the contiguous forty-eight
states as “The Glorious Continuity.”


“While Hawaii has graciously adopted the term “mainland”, reads the executive order, “citizens of its
sibling to the North use the pejorative ‘lower 48.’  Today I make clear that we the contiguous people
will no longer live under such abuses.”


Alaskans of varied backgrounds condemned the mandate. Jeff Bowen, strategist for the Alaska
Democratic Party, expressed his frustration. “I support the president’s efforts to slow offshore drilling,
and implement a fair tax structure. But taking away my right to verbally degrade out-of-staters? He can
suck my oosik.”


Sarah Jenkins, chairwoman of the Alaska Republican Party added,  “I agree with Mr. Bowen. I can’t
argue against walrus natural resource extraction.”


University of Alaska Anchorage geography professor Dr. Christine Mundo had harsh words for the
Biden administration. “We’ll stop calling you “Lower” once your maps stop putting Alaska floating in
the ocean next to Texas!”


Among the consequences threatened for Alaskans: mandatory lowering of lifted pick-up trucks,
invalidation of Alaska Airlines frequent flier miles, and forcible costuming as a cruise ship tourist for
one full summer.


Anchorage resident Steven Stewart drives a 2021 Dodge Ram 1500 truck with an installed 36 inch lift
kit and requires a ladder to reach the cab. Interviewed in the parking lot of the South Anchorage Home
Depot, he said that the White House can “suck my oosik while you’re down there.”


A rally is planned for this evening in downtown Anchorage to protest the executive order, sponsored by
the Alaskan Independence Party. Attendees are encouraged to bring oosik themed protest gear. Read
the full executive order here.


 


Comments

Post a Comment

Bots, go away! Humans, tell us what you think!

Popular posts from this blog

The Spruce Tip Buys Rival Alaska News Publication in $1.8 Billion Merger Deal

    On Friday, The Spruce Tip Investment Group received shareholder approval to acquire the satirical news publication The Goldstream Courant in a cash-and-stock deal worth roughly $1.8 billion. The move will create an Alaskan news empire with assets of roughly two websites, one and a half social media accounts, and three broken 1986 Ski-Doo Tundra snowmachines.   While the Courant is based near Fairbanks and focuses primarily on local issues, The Spruce Tip is omnipresent, omnipotent, and focuses on Alaskan statewide issues. Courant editor-in-chief Kevin Brietenbach resigned to the merger, which seemed to have caught him by surprise. “We’re looking forward to being part of The Spruce Tip family of publications,” he said in an interview while swigging a Yoo-Hoo from a refrigerator at the back of the Goldstream General Store after a five hundred mile fat bike race. “We’ve worked hard to create a voice of our own, but in the end we just couldn’t compete with The Spruce Tip’s white-hot
Post a Comment
Read more

Massive crypotocurrency mine proposed in headwaters of major salmon river in Southwest Alaska

  The decades-long battle over proposed large mines in Southwest Alaska may be catching up to modern times, with a newly-discovered deposit of cryptocurrency worth billions of dollars.  Proponents are calling the newly discovered “Rubble” cryptocurrency prospect, located near the site of the proposed Pebble mine, the region’s next great hope for economic development, jobs, and “HODLing .”    The Vancouver, Canada based junior exploration company Northern Dynasty announced their recent findings regarding Rubble on Monday, and unveiled plans to extract the highly variable digital currency using “really super efficient and safe methods that won’t disturb anything.” “This is big,” said new Northern Dynasty CEO Brogan Putnam.  “This is like kinda Scrooge McDuck doing the backstroke in a swimming pool of gold coins type big, picture it - but like, with crypto, so yeah maybe like that but with virtual reality goggles instead of the actual pool of gold coins, so yeah… and, there
Post a Comment
Read more