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Local militia stockpile raided by ravens and grey jays


The Alaska Citizens Militia in Nikiski faced a serious setback to its movement this week when members discovered that much of their cache of discounted military equipment had been raided by ravens and gray jays. 

Several expanded assault rifle magazines, a box of QAnon patches, and an unknown number of expired military rations—MREs—went missing on Saturday afternoon, while members were in Soldotna restocking supplies at the local Sav-U-More. 

Paul Norman, a Baptist pastor who formed the group after moving to Nikiski around 2010, said that at first they suspected that either federal authorities or antifa members were likely culprits. “We didn’t figure it would be the local meth addicts or teenagers. Most of those people know what we’re about here, and they know to leave well enough alone,” said Norman. 

In response to the vandalism, members initiated an armed neighborhood patrol. Militia members have regularly enacted such patrols in recent years as budget cuts and high rates of drug use have led to elevated crime levels in the rural Alaskan community.  

The patrol began to suspect the birds rather than humans when several ravens were spotted wearing gas masks, roosting in a nearby spruce tree. Scat later identified as coming from grey jays was also found on the hood of one member’s lifted pickup truck. 

Several militia men fired upon the ravens, but failed to dispatch the avian thieves before they escaped. Some members suspected that the birds had fashioned custom bulletproof vests from materials in the stolen militia cache.

Alaska State Troopers have been notified of the situation, but said that they would not be pursuing the matter as birds are not subject to Alaska State criminal statutes. 

“We are aware of the situation that Mr. Norman and other members of the [ACM] are dealing with, but we will not pursue the matter. If it was an issue of where a gray jay had been killed under a defense of life or property situation, we could intervene, but unfortunately, they’re on their own for now,” said Soldotna trooper Archie Donaldson. 

Both grey jays and ravens are members of the family corvidae, which are known to be opportunistic eaters with highly developed levels of social complexity. 

Several militia members have taken to social media to threaten retaliation against the birds, who are scavengers by nature. “The LEFTIST RADICAL RAVENS that stole our cache of chili mac military rations are COWARDS who do not deserve to live” said a member who goes by @realAlaskan907 on Parler.

Another member responded to the post, saying “Chili Mac is my favorite MRE!/ RIP old friends! /You will be Avenged” 

Other posts refer to the thieving birds as “Benedict Jays,” a reference to famed Revolutionary War era traitor Benedict Arnold, and note that “treasonous activity will not be tolerated.” Retaliation against the implied that the bird’s “comeuppance [was] coming.”

Thus far, no jays have responded to the online threats, though a tagged post by @therealRAVEN did link to a post and commented “Nevermore.”

Olson has decried the comment as an escalation of rhetoric, and encouraged Alaskans to join in the movement to defend the constitution against the encroaching corvids. 


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