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Lawmakers expecting an influx of oil money say they'd like to save some ... PSYCH!!!


Okay, so the headline is pretty much real--we stole that shit straight off Anchorage Daily News--but 

who the hell actually believes a headline like that? Let’s report what lawmakers actually [probably] said 

in the face of oil revenue windfalls.


Rep. David Eastman, a Wasilla Republican and life member the Oath Keepers–which has been 

described by some as a domestic terrorist hate group–suggested that at least some of the excess 

money could be used to support his fellow members in Alaska. Many Oath Keepers face skyrocketing 

legal bills after their indictments for participating in the Jan 6th insurrection and attack on the US 



Sen. Scott Kawasaki, a Fairbanks Democrat, strongly opposed this notion, suggesting instead that the 

money go to support legal costs not related to sedition or treason. 


 "Like, no way dude, that money needs to go to social programs, and to pay MY legal bills after that 

snafu last summer down on the Kenai," said Kawasaki referencing the open container violation he 

received while driving with fellow lawmaker Josh Revak on the Seward Highway.


The Governor’s office issued a formal statement in support of a 25,000 dollar PFD payment, noting 

that such a payment could stave off the need for a state income tax. The statement also included a 

proposal to get rid of the Department of Health and Social Services because “splitting it up is actually 

pretty complicated, and we don’t really want to pay for any of that shit anyway.”


Some lawmakers did caution fiscal restraint, with a coalition of bipartisan legislators calling for 1.5 

billion dollars of the likely revenues to go toward investigating, but not actually following through on, 

renovations to the Port of Anchorage; building the proposed LNG pipeline; ; building the proposed 

Bridge to Nowhere near Point Mackenzie; building the proposed Bridge to Nowhere to that random 

island across from Ketchikan; building the Ambler Road, the King Cove Road, the West Susitna 

Access Road, or the Road to Nome; building a hydroelectric dam on the Susitna River; building a 

hydroelectric dam on the Yukon River; opening up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for oil drilling; 

and the possible relocation of the state capitol to an as-yet uninhabited location near Talkeetna.

Mostly, lawmakers in Juneau agreed that they would probably reduce funding to education and the 

ferry system, then just give the money back to the oil companies through subsidies, since 

that's how politics in Alaska usually works anyway continuing Alaska’s proud history of supporting 

its citizens.


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