Lawmakers expecting an influx of oil money say they'd like to save some ... PSYCH!!!

Okay, so the headline is pretty much real--we stole that shit straight off Anchorage Daily News--but

who the hell actually believes a headline like that? Let’s report what lawmakers actually [probably] said

in the face of oil revenue windfalls.

Rep. David Eastman, a Wasilla Republican and life member the Oath Keepers–which has been

described by some as a domestic terrorist hate group–suggested that at least some of the excess

money could be used to support his fellow members in Alaska. Many Oath Keepers face skyrocketing

legal bills after their indictments for participating in the Jan 6th insurrection and attack on the US

capitol.

Sen. Scott Kawasaki, a Fairbanks Democrat, strongly opposed this notion, suggesting instead that the

money go to support legal costs not related to sedition or treason.

"Like, no way dude, that money needs to go to social programs, and to pay MY legal bills after that

snafu last summer down on the Kenai," said Kawasaki referencing the open container violation he

received while driving with fellow lawmaker Josh Revak on the Seward Highway.

The Governor’s office issued a formal statement in support of a 25,000 dollar PFD payment, noting

that such a payment could stave off the need for a state income tax. The statement also included a

proposal to get rid of the Department of Health and Social Services because “splitting it up is actually

pretty complicated, and we don’t really want to pay for any of that shit anyway.”

Some lawmakers did caution fiscal restraint, with a coalition of bipartisan legislators calling for 1.5

billion dollars of the likely revenues to go toward investigating, but not actually following through on,

renovations to the Port of Anchorage; building the proposed LNG pipeline; ; building the proposed

Bridge to Nowhere near Point Mackenzie; building the proposed Bridge to Nowhere to that random

island across from Ketchikan; building the Ambler Road, the King Cove Road, the West Susitna

Access Road, or the Road to Nome; building a hydroelectric dam on the Susitna River; building a

hydroelectric dam on the Yukon River; opening up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for oil drilling;

and the possible relocation of the state capitol to an as-yet uninhabited location near Talkeetna.

Mostly, lawmakers in Juneau agreed that they would probably reduce funding to education and the

ferry system, then just give the money back to the oil companies through subsidies, since

that's how politics in Alaska usually works anyway continuing Alaska’s proud history of supporting

its citizens.

Comments

White House tells Alaskans they're no longer allowed to say "The Lower 48"

Read the full executive order here . Map prints available from Williwaw Publishing . A new executive order from the White House aims to curtail use of the term “Lower 48,” and Alaskans who continue to use the term that the White House calls “insulting,” are threatened with confiscation of personal firearms among other punishments. According to the executive order, Alaskans will now be required to refer to the contiguous forty-eight states as “The Glorious Continuity.” “While Hawaii has graciously adopted the term “mainland”, reads the executive order, “citizens of its sibling to the North use the pejorative ‘lower 48.’ Today I make clear that we the contiguous people will no longer live under such abuses .” Alaskans of varied backgrounds condemned the mandate. Jeff Bowen, strategist for the Alaska Democratic Party, expressed his frustration. “I support the president’s efforts to slow offshore drilling, and implement a fair tax structure. But taking away my right to verbally degra

The Spruce Tip Buys Rival Alaska News Publication in $1.8 Billion Merger Deal

On Friday, The Spruce Tip Investment Group received shareholder approval to acquire the satirical news publication The Goldstream Courant in a cash-and-stock deal worth roughly $1.8 billion. The move will create an Alaskan news empire with assets of roughly two websites, one and a half social media accounts, and three broken 1986 Ski-Doo Tundra snowmachines. While the Courant is based near Fairbanks and focuses primarily on local issues, The Spruce Tip is omnipresent, omnipotent, and focuses on Alaskan statewide issues. Courant editor-in-chief Kevin Brietenbach resigned to the merger, which seemed to have caught him by surprise. “We’re looking forward to being part of The Spruce Tip family of publications,” he said in an interview while swigging a Yoo-Hoo from a refrigerator at the back of the Goldstream General Store after a five hundred mile fat bike race. “We’ve worked hard to create a voice of our own, but in the end we just couldn’t compete with The Spruce Tip’s white-hot

Massive crypotocurrency mine proposed in headwaters of major salmon river in Southwest Alaska

The decades-long battle over proposed large mines in Southwest Alaska may be catching up to modern times, with a newly-discovered deposit of cryptocurrency worth billions of dollars. Proponents are calling the newly discovered “Rubble” cryptocurrency prospect, located near the site of the proposed Pebble mine, the region’s next great hope for economic development, jobs, and “HODLing .” The Vancouver, Canada based junior exploration company Northern Dynasty announced their recent findings regarding Rubble on Monday, and unveiled plans to extract the highly variable digital currency using “really super efficient and safe methods that won’t disturb anything.” “This is big,” said new Northern Dynasty CEO Brogan Putnam. “This is like kinda Scrooge McDuck doing the backstroke in a swimming pool of gold coins type big, picture it - but like, with crypto, so yeah maybe like that but with virtual reality goggles instead of the actual pool of gold coins, so yeah… and, there

Search This Blog